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REFINE
This is where we draw the line between Sunday knowledge and we live the word and principles of God practically, in every aspect of our life. Christ didn't save us to make us feel good, instead we are called to freedom, victory & abundance. On this podcast we are discipled, cultivated, challenged, refined and fruitful in every aspect of our lives! Goodbye passive Christianity, Hello to fruitful living! Welcome to a life REFINED
REFINE
Marriage Beyond the Social Media Feed
Marriage is a divine institution designed by God, not a performance measured by social media standards or external validation. We explore how to navigate relationships in today's digital landscape where "couple goals" are often defined by superficial displays rather than substantive connection.
• Social media creates unrealistic expectations of perfect relationships
• Most marriages aren't roses all the time - challenges are normal
• Behind every perfect post is an imperfect reality
• The blueprint for marriage comes from God, not Instagram
• Character refinement happens through difficulties, not aesthetics
• Respecting the uniqueness of your relationship prevents harmful comparison
• Self-awareness helps identify when social media negatively affects your perception
• Marriage is about commitment and growth, not just happiness
• Seasons in relationships are natural and necessary
• Focus on what makes your relationship uniquely valuable
Trust God enough that your relationship will be beautiful without taking snippets from other people's lives. Protect what is precious and focus on building a marriage that reflects His design rather than social media's portrayal.
Thank you for tuning in beloveds. Don’t forget to comment , rate the podcast and share .
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We are in a time where couple goals seem to be leading by a mile. The only way you know that is couple goals is if you have a hundred roses beautifully stemmed red roses and they're taking you out on date night after date night and that's what we deem couple goals. And it's getting very hard to steward a marriage and relationship in such a climate. You see videos of Kevin Bully doing their morning routines and you're like Lord, copy paste the prayers. That's what I need, not knowing that there's so much that happens behind the scenes that you might not even be able to handle some of the things and the challenges that we endure. How hard is it to navigate a marriage and relationship in today's landscape and climate?
Speaker 1:That is exactly what we're going to be talking about today and because it's such an amazing topic, I had to bring an amazing person you all know and love and bother me about in the DMs. And when is she doing and what is she doing? And I don't know, but she's here today. No stranger to this platform, but it's a first on Refine and this video, by the way, is opening Refine.
Speaker 2:That is incredible, that is a huge thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we had to. So we had to start off with a familiar face, a powerhouse from someone who started just with a phone and a. Remember when I came to your house in Midrand with a phone, but that video was insane because it still impacts lives, even today. So this is a way of me also honoring um, the ministry that you carry um, and to open up you. We started wife talks and you, you were there with me and now, with refine, we're opening the gate. So we have to wow, open strong. It is such a full circle. I'm super excited. So I think it's going to be a very interesting topic, my friend, but for those who don't know you and are tuning in for the first time, you are.
Speaker 2:I'm Katayi Fo, finally, a God-fearing daughter of the kingdom. I think that's the most important thing about me. I'm also a wife, which I carry that role with so much respect, and also moms with four beautiful kids.
Speaker 1:Imagine.
Speaker 2:Amongst everything else I serve in the ministry. I'm at our local church as well as have a corporate career and run businesses on my husband that's what I was waiting for.
Speaker 1:I'm telling you she's such a heavyweight you'd look at and think, yeah, she's so tiny, but she's such a heavyweight. She does so much and she's. She's still here breathing. She does it so gracefully.
Speaker 2:I say that all the time I feel like I'm barely like, I'm like trying to come up for air ah, you know me, my friends are only big dogs only.
Speaker 1:So today we're talking about um relationships in this day and age, and I think it's also very fitting to have someone like you, because you know what social media does for you. Some of you have seen her try and attempt to enter the social media space, but there's something about her that she knows about herself and she knows that she cannot indulge or participate with social media the way that we do, because there's something about her that she's trying to protect. And it's so fitting that you are here to share those things, because then it will teach even those in relationships that not everything is for you. Yeah, um, so let's just dive straight into it. Someone's husband or partner, like I said, we, we look at social media and sometimes we're inspired by what the moolie shares the occasional post with kev and her kids and think it's amazing. And they look at their husband and their partner and they're like yo, this guy, he doesn't even polish my shoes. Does it mean that that person has settled for less?
Speaker 2:absolutely not okay. I will actually start off with this line that I heard about a day ago. I was venting to a friend of mine and the person said so, obviously not. You know, we all have such different destinies and a different purpose. There's no way that I can compare what somebody else has and compared to what I have in my home. What my partner is lacking, he makes up for it in something else, you know. So there is no blueprint. Actually, I feel like the blueprint is the word of god. Marriage was created by the lord, the union of that matter. It's's a God idea. So the only blueprint we can refer to would be the word of God.
Speaker 2:You know, and I feel like the aesthetics are good, dates are good, flowers are good we all love that, but I don't think that's the main thing. That should be the standard Fundamentals of life. I think life is tough, life is challenging, and the more time you spend with someone, you realize that, oh my God, it's not all roses. Actually, most of the marriage is not going to be roses. Absolutely. It's unrealistic to come in to think you're going to have butterflies right through. At some point those things do go away. You have to have the effort, and you have to be a little bit more strategic in how you keep it going. It sounds hard, but it is what it is, so let's let's paint a bit of.
Speaker 1:Let's paint a bit of a picture so that every so that people can understand how normal it is. Yeah, people don't understand, but that by the time we've switched on a camera and we've come in front of it, we've prepared ourselves, we put our best behavior on, we put our best face on to share a moment right with you. People don't understand how messy the building of a relationship and a marriage actually is and, yes, you can be compatible, but they are going to. Just because there's challenges doesn't mean that it's not meant to be. So. Let's paint a bit of normalcy. For the person who thinks I don't think they go through challenges, therefore, I don't think he's the one for me.
Speaker 2:You know what we all go through challenges and I think I like to compare it to siblings. If you live with your parents and siblings in the same home, you're going to argue about dishes. You're going to argue about why you didn't do that, why you know roommate issues are more than some people are so pedantic that they want you to. When you empty the tube of the toothpaste, it comes from the bottom up. Some people just want to press it in the middle and that could be a problem.
Speaker 1:And that's why we have two different toothpastes in my household For real, it could be a deal breaker.
Speaker 2:Some people want the bed absolutely crisp and it must be laid beautifully and don't even sit on it in the day.
Speaker 2:And some are just like okay, I can put my clothes on top of that bed, and those things can make a relationship messy. You've been yourself for 20 odd years and then here comes somebody who says you've put the frame of the painting wrong straight enough, and it becomes a catastrophe in the home. Or another partner has no problem leaving the shoes, you know, in the living room and going up to sleep, whereas the mother's like no, take your shoes away, you know. So those are the day-to-day things. Children, uh, school fees dropping off, it's the logistics of life and things get in the way for sure. So it's not always perfect and the good days are not going to be good days every day. You're not going to do content every day. Reality shows have season one, season three, season five, a short period of time.
Speaker 2:There's no way that you're going to do that every day, because life is not always pretty. We don't rehearse life, it just happens. You get irritated, the taxi driver cuts you in your way to work. Some of us will say Lord Jesus.
Speaker 2:Some of them will take another way, something hot, and it's the same with the marriage, with time. So you can like babe, this and that hurt me, and there are days when you're gonna throw a tantrum and you might snap and it takes a while to come back. So life is not, as you know, clear-cut as we all think it is. We're learning, learning each other. He has a personality, you have yours. You grew up in a home where things were done differently to his home. Some of us marry, you know, with you know I come from a family with those parents. Maybe I marry someone who only has a single mom, but when he shows up in our marriage, we'll be framed by the home that he came from. So I think it takes a lot of effort and you need to be realistic to say whatever you see on social media, it's just a snippet, it's not a really good day. And let me tell you something After that snippet sometimes they get in the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why didn't you order this?
Speaker 1:Yes, you know, you take so long to order?
Speaker 2:We have McDonald's. Just tell me, don't you think it's like a lot you know? So they're not going to take that type of content, they're only going to give you the ideal. And I think you know you take it with a pinch of salt. You could use it to inspire you, but you don't know the full story For sure.
Speaker 1:How do you know that you're not guarding your heart when it comes to what social media puts out there? Because sometimes when you receive it again, like we said, there's an unrealistic expectation and people make those unrealistic expectations their real life. So how do you know that you're not guarding your heart? How do you know that? Actually, I need to realize that this thing is not for me, because for some of us we must just get on there to laugh, if anything, switch the whole thing off, because this thing infiltrates so much of our lives.
Speaker 1:We become so discontent with the beauty that your relationship actually carries, because some of us might not appreciate the beauty that it carries, because we're always trying to mirror it to some. I'm not going to say strange or unrealistic standard, but just for your relationship it doesn't work like that. So how do we know that we're taking it too far? It doesn't work like that. So how do we know that we're taking it too far? And how will we know if we should actually be um reducing our social media intake, because it could mess up a god thing?
Speaker 2:yeah, I think it starts with self-awareness. You know, a lot of times we're not honest about ourselves because I know with me I would get so sick right like literally, if I'm on social media for more than a month. When I say social media, I mean like your sick, right, like literally, if I'm on social media for more than a month. When I say social media, I mean like your Instagrams, your Facebooks your Twitter.
Speaker 2:If I'm on a space like that and I'm constantly taking in you know that's why they call it a feed, for sure You're feeding from that. You know information that's been kind of sold to you. I would get so sick, like my spirit would be so grieved. Like my spirit would be so grieved. Some person would just probably ignore that, like oh, no, but the more you do it you kill that. Yeah, it's on the inside, yes, but if you're sensitive you're able to say no, no, no, please show me I've maybe consumed something that is not good for me.
Speaker 2:So I think self-awareness is the first thing. Always check how you feel about you know, like your body, how you feel. Another one is after you view a picture or an image. Are you already evaluating your life against what you saw? Because a lot of times it will make you sad. You know, oh, good for them. But oh, my partner doesn't do anything. You're already like comparing in your head that, oh, I didn't get a thousand roses. Let me tell you some people don't get those thousand roses. It's probably a brand. Guys, thank those thousand roses, it's probably a brand guys, thank you for shooting this with us.
Speaker 2:Okay, and sometimes get people, get those roses or that stuff, because they're in a piece of relationship and that's the only way the partner knows how to say sorry yeah, so you need to be, you know, very realistic with yourself to say what do I have in my hands, what are the things I love about my partner, make a list of that and celebrate that. But I would say that everything in moderation as well. Too much of anything will never be good for us. And also, you know, social media does read comparison as we look at oh that guy's so romantic masita. What if you didn't marry your romantic guy? But it might not sweep you off your feet, sure, but do you then just tell yourself that that relationship is not worth it because of that standard? Do you know? And I'm not saying that you must sit around for abuse or whatever, but I'm saying you have to be realistic. What are the fundamental things?
Speaker 2:Just because you don't buy any roses or design a bag of fancy holiday holiday, it doesn't mean that you don't love. Yeah, are your values great? Do you come back home? Do you honor me? Yes, do we have healthy communication? Um, are we growing spiritually? Um, those are the things that matter. What's my relationship with my in-laws? Um, you know the rest of it, I feel like it's just aesthetic, it's just that cherry on top on top um. That's not the fundamentals.
Speaker 1:I remember once we've had a conversation where we were talking, you know, as a group of people who were in relationships, married, etc. And the one question came up and I asked this question I'm like what actually governs what you want your marriage to look like? Because many of us, our prayer lists and our rubrics are from things that we've seen and we have not allowed the Lord to download within us the blueprint for what we need. You think you need the bouquet of flowers? No, you need protection. You think you need the bouquet of flowers? No, you need a kind of love that will be present for you. So you may not be able to match in your linen and Birkenstocks, but the man who's going to wear his Manchester jersey every day will be able to cater to you and feed you in a way that you've probably never seen before. And I think that's the disadvantage when it comes to social media is because we've limited, first of all, the institution of marriage to a anesthetic yeah.
Speaker 1:And that's not what it is. We've limited the institution of marriage and the purpose of relationships to how good I can be served, how good I can look, not knowing that. We've seen story after story after story of people having all these things, but behind closed doors. Not all of them, but some of them being so abused, battered, neglected, et cetera, et cetera. So how do people get the blueprint from God as to what they need and, more than anything, what their relationship will look like? Not to say that a person cannot learn how to love.
Speaker 1:That's also something we're not saying. We're not saying take and accept if he just comes like wearing blue and brown shoes. No, you can teach him that, hey, we're not saying. We're not saying take and accept if he just comes like wearing blue and brown shoes. No, you can teach him that, hey, you can wear brown together, by the way, sir, you can wear brown shoes together, if you didn't know. But those are the fickle things. But there are certain blueprints that matter when it comes to how you are supposed to be in this institution. So how do people get what is for them? For example, how did you even know what you needed as specific? Because I know for a fact that what my husband gives me and what your husband gives you are two totally different things. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I think, fern, it's firstly, you need to have a relationship with a whole spirit. Number one you need to engage and spend a lot of time in the word, because that's the ultimate blueprint. Sometimes you're not going to go into a marriage knowing what it actually gets revealed, that the things that make you fight, right where you actually clash, and so you realize, oh god, I actually need this guy to help me to be less, yeah, self-centered. Yeah, okay, sometimes people talk about a husband who's you know those detached guys who are not interested, and you're a needy girl and you need all that attention. Probably he won't give that to you because you probably need to be humbled in the area. So sometimes we see those things that can clash on as bad things, but maybe not.
Speaker 2:It's all for character refinements and I believe that you know why. You know it's important, why the Lord likened marriage to Christ in the church. You know, because it is a refining process and it's the transaction of respect and love and it's not always going to be communicated in the same way, because men receive love different and women receive love different. But it's all really covered by being softless. It's all been covered by forgiveness. It's all been covered by putting the needs of the other first first world says me, me, me. But the word of god says die to solve yeah so how else do I die to solve if I?
Speaker 2:you know it has to come with saying sorry when I didn't do anything wrong? That's the first day, yeah, and it's difficult to know right, you're wrong yeah, because we want to be right all the time, you know but what is is the character you are cultivating in there.
Speaker 2:So I've always found that it's all about character refinement, it's about forgiveness, it's about the things that will make you enter the kingdom. Honestly, I believe marriage is there to refine us and to prepare us as his bride, because how else am I going to learn those tough things if I'm not in marriage? I always want to be served and forget it. I'm not going to learn because it's about me and that's the extreme.
Speaker 1:That's the extreme Social media is like. It must serve you, it must buy you shoes. And then the other extreme of the woman must serve the man and put his coat on in the morning and run his bath, and those things are fine, I think, within context, if you choose to run his bath, what I mean that's do you baby. But I I believe that there's definitely more to that and what happens is the the. What makes your relationship rich is not always how much you can show, but how much peace it produces, how much stability it produces, how much um, I don't know how to call it not mental health, but how it, how it's conducive for your mental health, how much it allows you to grow. Those are the stuff you're not gonna see, and growth is painful um, refinement is painful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know it has to go through the fire and sometimes it's going to take the difficult conversations. It's going to take the submission that we can't do so well. It's going to take the listening and the working together. Those things are hard to do. They sound easy and principled when you say it, but the actual activation on it to say I have an opinion, but I'm not waiting for you to finish. And even when I don't agree with you, how do I say, okay, thanks for the feedback. I do not even want to justify my actions. All those things are hard, but I feel like the more we download the Word of God on the inside of us, it makes it clearer for us because our destinies are so different.
Speaker 2:I believe that the Lord especially if that's a kingdom marriage he will partner you with someone who is going to prepare you for where you're going. So I only have the wisdom to identify that and not see it as a bad thing. When we do clash to say, oh, what is this supposed to teach me? What is this mending on the inside of me? And I think the same for the other partner. So I do believe that you know, it's not always going to be tender stuff, but as you go about the relationship, seek the counsel of the Holy Spirit and don't demonize the hard stuff. It's actually, it gets better. Don't demonize the hard stuff, don't demonize them. Our parents have been together for 40 years however many years but it takes time. It's a process. You can never be married for five years and think I'm good, now I get it.
Speaker 2:It's a learning, 10 years in seven years and we're like it's really difficult, but I trust that you know anything that's. God inspired the devil world. You have to be in some way there must be something that wants to pull apart what god has put together. But you must have wisdom to recognize those things. Where there's the small arguments, it's the division. You know some people the minute you get married, all of a sudden poverty is a thing in your home. You're like where does this come from? The devil's so strategic. He'll bring things.
Speaker 1:Just to try and bring. And then you're watching things on social media that are telling you if your man is not, and then Watching things on social media that are telling you if your man is not. And then now you're thinking you've married wrong, you're no longer happy there. You go off to the divorce courts no, not knowing that this person was part of your destiny, destiny.
Speaker 2:And you know, I read something some time back and it said you don't marry for happiness. It's a commitment. I struggled with that for a few years because I thought I'm supposed to be happy, but as I grow I'm like you know what truly it is commitment? It's the fact that I'm saying this is the choice I made. And how do I make it work? How do we coexist using the tools that are provided to us the word of God, prayer, whatever it is that you can use in your arsenal, and if social media is coming in between that closing comparison, tell it all. You know the way that god says if your eyes are closing you to sin, get rid of it what does comparison look like?
Speaker 1:because people like to think that is often so far-fetched. You know, I think that we know that you're in a. You don't have a healthy relationship with social media when you begin to envy, wish to have what they have and there's a difference between envy and inspiration, just by the way but when you begin to envy, when you begin to compare what else so that people can actually see pointers and blind spots that they could actually be going through right now without even being conscious and aware of it.
Speaker 2:I think even verbalizing stuff like oh, billy does it. Well, you know, kevin, the way he looks at bully. I don't know why you don't look at me like that. Sure you know, because actually people do say so. Or you look at um, even in your mind. The fight starts in your mind the moment you see that picture you like, you look at the one on your wall and you're like someone is not looking in my direction, he's looking straight for camera he's not looking like he's in love, he's not holding me like this imagine 10 years from now with something else, and then now the person has to adjust to another standard.
Speaker 2:I feel like it's completely unrealistic. But it's things like, you know, being unhappy. If you are happy and this is such a simple one if you are happy, you're having a good day you go on social media, you start scrolling. By the time you get out of social media, your spirit is down already. That means that it's moving something on the inside of you and making you unhappy about where you are. Because I always say, you know, if you have a roof over your head, you've got a meal. And I'm not saying successful for less. I do believe in moving and growing things in life, but it shouldn't be at the expense of somebody else or putting pressure. Do you know how many men and I'm not blaming women only. I think we also do compare, but I'm just saying how many men suffer from pressures of I need to drive an SUV by this time and we need to live in this type of house and, to be honest, I don't know how people don't take this the wrong way, but that's why the the hype right now.
Speaker 2:Polygamy as well. It's a transactional thing, you know. It's like I don't mind being a polygamous as long as I'm in my own house, in my own car. Yeah, I come from. It comes from the need to show people that, oh, look at the car, I drive it. Sure what house I live in, you know, unless it's just for you and you want to be happy in that way.
Speaker 2:But if you want to take a picture, or whenever you think of doing a shoot with your husband, the first thing you think about is I'm going to post this. It's a problem, you know. You must always filter. Why am I doing this? You know, am I taking this picture because I want so many likes? Um, am I posting this picture because I really just love it? I'm trying to prove how happy I am to everybody else. That's why we get so disappointed when you see couples we looked up up to, and then you see all the pretty pictures and then one day, like uh, cut the cameras. So what was the motivation? You know, yeah, and I think it's hard for all of us. We all aspire to look like things are perfect, but I don't think they always are, and sometimes it's just better actually to keep the things that matter just to you and that's actually what I wanted to us to segue into.
Speaker 1:You have made a decision to keep certain parts of your life off of the camera so people could pass your kids and not know who they are. Um, why, what was that decision for? And how? You said something that is so amazing when you said when you start to take content just to show and prove something to people, that should be like an indicator that, okay, maybe I shouldn't be doing this. How do I know that this space is for me? How do I know that? Should I share my relationship or not? I don't even want to talk about kids, I just want to focus on the relationship, because there are certain relationships that, whether you like it or not, when you put it out there, there there's a standard, all you know from across the board, but when you put it out there, there's an even.
Speaker 2:It's like yeah, yeah, I think for me, friend um, I'm a value person and the people I value are very close to my heart, especially in my relationship, and I felt that if I opened that up to the world, I'm opening up to opinions number one. And am I only going to post them when I'm happy or am I going to post it as well when I'm upset? Sure, and that's the content of what I am posting. And I thought I don't have a big circle, I don't have anything to prove to anybody. If I want to show my family something, I put it on WhatsApp. You put it on WhatsApp and we like it. It puts on on whatsapp and we like it.
Speaker 2:If it's on my whatsapp status, that's just my family, my friends stay around, yes, um, so that was very important for me to keep that closed off. Also, I'm not a property figure. I'm not, you know, out there making me get living out of my social media. Sometimes, I know, with brands you're gonna have to have that personal touch because people like to know what's happening in your life. But I didn't have that pressure and I kept asking myself I'm going to put my relationship on there, what's my motive? And I realized I didn't have a motive.
Speaker 1:That was found for it, so that's good. You didn't have a motive that was found back up my motive.
Speaker 2:You know something else. No, I'm in a marriage ministry and I'd like to be that, uh, be that beacon of hope to those who are looking up to something. It doesn't mean that you're perfect, but it's important. There's a lot of couples I watch you guys. There's a lot of couples who are like, oh, this is incredible, someone's going to watch with my husband and take notes. This is so good. So it's a powerful ministry. But you need to have the wisdom to say do I want to be this vulnerable? It's so precious. And what is your reasoning? If it's a monetization thing commercialization great, go ahead, all the best. If it's ministry, wonderful, but pray the more, because the more you put your stuff out there, you know Wishcraft, guys, is not going to and monitoring spirits need something.
Speaker 1:They need.
Speaker 2:They need you to post right, so yeah chuck you and also sometimes it's just a condition of the heart. So can't you say I wish my life was like that? Oh, really, you know that's already opening up your life and if you're not prayerful those things might stay. So you need to. Then you're going to choose to make that decision. You must have a sound in your life, you must be very you know. Both you and your partner must be very strong to ensure that those things don't interfere. But I think for me it's just that I really loved a private life and when I thought about the reason why I wanted to post, I didn't have a solid. So it's like, okay, then I'll just keep it for the people who know us, yeah, the people who are our family, so for my kids to see, to think I would never do that to them. I think you know. No, I think they can decide doing their own. Yeah, one of my kids are like mom, I'm 21, now can I do this?
Speaker 1:strict moms, all right they'll wait until 21.
Speaker 2:I don't know, but that's just for me. I just don't know, but that's just for me. I just don't want to make them vulnerable in any way. I want them to be children, to enjoy their lives.
Speaker 1:I think the climate that we live in is we have so many as well, you know, and, I believe, well-meaning at times sometimes. Other times it's just the motive, right, it's the heart thing. But we've found ourselves in such a again a climate where it's on the rise Our Christian couples, everybody wants to be the leader in certain spaces. Some of the times I look at my old videos with Kevin, I'm just like, if only you knew, baby, if only you knew. But I, I keep them there because I believe it's such a testimony and a testament of the growth and maturity that we've had to endure, um. So yeah, people are very quick to show, people want to become the public figures and the leaders in spaces that they haven't really cultivated a good foundation for what that is now. We're not expecting perfection. I mean, if we had to, if I had to wait for perfection to post the video with kev, it was never going to happen. It's like, okay, close shop, cut everything. It was never going to happen. But there is something about the maturity that it needs. But, more than anything, you guys learning how to cultivate, um, your relationship and or marriage in the secret place first, first allowing it to like wine, I guess, to ferment first and become good first. Yeah, before you put it out out there. That's why there are certain seasons that we had to take, especially after essie. We had to be like wait, you know, we were great and we handled just the two of us. But now we're parents, we're not just lovers who are married. So that added a different dynamic and we had to figure out what that looked like. Now. What didn't happen is I didn't go on social media and say this person is rocking my baby to sleep or their baby to sleep. Keva, I want you to do the same. How you cultivate a healthy marriage and healthy relationship is when you sit and you discuss the realities of what your life looks like, say are you able I have this project happening? Are you able to handle things like this? If you can't find a night nurse, if budget allows, find ways. You need to get to a point where you step outside of this fairy tale and you begin to cultivate what actually works for you, based on the materials you have.
Speaker 1:Some of us want to gloss house when god has only given us brick material. Oh, and, and I think what? What ends up happening is we then? We desire the glass so much that the brick begins to weather, the stones begin to weather, the cement weathers. Why? Because you're dreaming of the steel and this window and this, but yours does not look like that, when you're supposed to just sit and ask the Lord Lord, what does this look like? And when he builds it. It's a good thing that you can appreciate that glass, but love your brick house all the more. You know, and I think that for me it's been very painful to see people desire something so unrealistic and, more than anything, create a prematurity in how they handle their relationship because they haven't even gone further enough to even desire to see what could come out of this beautiful thing.
Speaker 2:It's so, true friend, and I feel like we are all so. You know we're designed so bespoke. Absolutely, god will never make a mistake. Absolutely, especially if that's a partner you pray for. But the word is so clear in that, even if you chose someone and they are an unbeliever, now you're a believer. You need to stay with it, you know, and also, that your, your Christianity, needs to pull him to the light, to pull her to the light. You know, it's not about, don't know, I didn't marry a Christian and I'll push for somebody. No, that's not how God works. God is a God of order. But I feel like we need to appreciate the different stages. Yes, yes, um, you know, life is so colorful and so dynamic.
Speaker 2:You might start off as a man being like, and then, years later, then, now you're in your bag on business but you're not gonna now say my spec has changed, okay, now I'm here, so I'm somebody's gonna meet me, because he never did that to you, that's good, you know what.
Speaker 2:I mean, and with the world that we're living in right now, things are so different that a home life is not the home life our parents had. So it's actually very difficult to look to our parents even to say how did they do it, because it was significantly different. They didn't have the pressures of social media and the school fees that we're paying. They could have eight kids and they all go to a school where they pay no school fees. It's normal, but our lives now are so different.
Speaker 2:I think it's important to understand the landscape on your own home. If your husband is not the guy who's going to rock the baby at night, because he's just not that guy, celebrate something else that he's good at. Some people are grace enough, like you said, to have enough money to have a night nurse. You know I can't always kick my kids off from school, so I outsource that function. So I don't expect my husband to play the. No, you do it on this time. You must have some crazy schedule, because I see other people I don't know their pressures, I don't you're facing. Maybe they can't have the luxury of having other people help.
Speaker 2:So, look at your own home and to see what works for your home. Don't force your partner to be something they're not. If your wife is not the girl, who's going to crawl with the tree?
Speaker 1:my brother, my brother don't expect to be crawling with the tree, because you saw it at Bully's house or you saw it at Betsy's house.
Speaker 2:I don't crawl with the tray, by the way, but I'm just saying you know things like tray piles. My husband loves a meal, guys, it's so bad we can go out for a beautiful dinner. And you're still one pup, when he gets back he takes it down. So are you going to rob me with that other stuff? And that's him, and I'm just telling him.
Speaker 1:This is my life. He's such a traditional man. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and he loves that. That's what makes him want to come home. I find that when he travels, the moment he gets to come home, he comes running home because he just wants a meal that I make. Someone might find that tedious, you know what I mean. That's the climate in my home. So I come home and I'll take that and compare it and say, no, you make me work hard. No, that's how I serve him, that's the home and he loves that. So I cater to him in that way, but it's going to look different in the household. So if we take social media, how many other people are taking from other people's homes? Yeah, and bringing it in your own home, and then you've lost your identity, yeah, family. So we can always learn from each other, but I do think it's important to build what works for your home and I would even say, spend less time looking at other people's relationships, especially when you start a marriage, because you're really going to set yourself up for failure, to think.
Speaker 1:I would even suggest take the take. It take a good couple of months off. Yeah, don't do it so that you can understand what this is, yes, and what that looks like.
Speaker 2:And then you have to look at your parents, because I make a lot of those mistakes. When I got married, I expected my dad out of my husband. At the time my husband was 30. My dad is like 50-something going into 60. He's a full man.
Speaker 1:He's done this for years.
Speaker 2:And now I want this priest, this guy who's going to come there and open a Bible and declare the word, whereas when my parents got married, he wasn't that man yet.
Speaker 2:That's my mom and dad's cultivation. You know they did the work for the result. So I just came in expecting my husband to rise to that occasion and it was like that's such an unrealistic expectation. So you have to be realistic and that you're building this thing together. It's beautiful how you were raised in your home, but you were raised. He didn't grow up in your home, if her grace, um, she didn't grow up in your home, because how do you teach each other love and some things you'll abandon to say this doesn't work for us.
Speaker 2:Yeah it's creative, I think yeah, side eye, uh, people who would have got two nannies. And I'm like oh you lazy girl, why do you have two nannies? No, I'm that girl I need four.
Speaker 1:Can I get five? Yeah, you need five. You need one for each person.
Speaker 2:Oh, so some things we demonize because we don't understand them and it's like, oh okay, now I get it. And it just takes patience. And I look at the things I thought about with my husband five years ago. We laugh about it now and whatever we're having challenges about now, in 10 years time it's not that I want it but because we're just chasing instant gratification.
Speaker 2:We constantly want the satisfaction. But, yeah, sit in boredom, you know. I'll tell you my case the other day because my daughter's now you you know negotiating for a phone and I'm like you can't always be stimulated Sometimes. Sit in your silence, yeah, like sit with yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And sometimes we don't even want to sit with our marriages and to say this is my circumstance, that's good, we are in our lucky season.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, pass through it. Don't be so quick to fast track and then just say, oh, I just want the glory days. You're cultivating, you're learning, you're understanding how he shows up in challenges and it's a beautiful moment. But we always just want to get out of this immediately, absolutely. The word of god always shows us that. You know people, they had 40 days of fasting and so many years of woman and it's like seven years of this and 40 years.
Speaker 1:But it reaches from instant and we want it to be all the time, not understanding that even even the way the lord has made this world function is that there are seasons we have to go. The beauty about winter is that winter is necessary for replenishment. It's necessary, yeah, it's not that. Oh, the lord was bored, yeah, it just. It just cannot function all the time. The tree cannot function all the time to be, to be glorious, it can stay evergreen, but it won't always produce certain fruits right when it's in the lord. But there is time to rest, there is harvest time, there is fruit time, there is winter season, that those parts are necessary, and the winters and the autumns are as necessary as the summers or the springs, the ones that we enjoy so much.
Speaker 1:So the last part is, or the last question, rather, is how, then, if I find something because I don't want to demonize, like or make like everything look bad, it's not everything that's bad, it's like a whole lot, a lot of it is like ridiculous. But there are like some gems out there, and if I've learned about a particular gem, how can I bring that safely to my marriage so that I, so that I say this is what I learned. What do you think of this? How do I bring that so that it can be something that we can try and see if it works for us, especially if there is a deficit in that area, to say, hey, you know, we haven't done communication right, maybe let's try this principle? How do I bring something that I've seen out there in a healthy way to try and you have it make it add to our relationship?
Speaker 2:that's such a good question and I think it's different for a lot of us. Yeah, um, I'll just use like a woman to a man. Men are very. A lot of them have an ego and they feel like they want to be the head of the home, yeah, and they want to steer the ship. So I think your communication should always be very suggestive.
Speaker 1:Um, not telling it must start with my love. You know, you're so great how about you know?
Speaker 2:yeah, I never really say I saw a bully and her husband hey, please don't, don't, don't mention my name in your household.
Speaker 1:Let's say hate me. I beg, I beg it's so fun.
Speaker 2:I saw that person who's past. Yeah, it's like baby, how about abcd? Anything that can be really impressed? Let me know if I can work. Yeah, um, I'll share a little story about, like, when we started church and started going to church, um, I was very forceful about where we should go to church, because my parents are classical, because of where the background, yeah. So my idea was yeah, brother, you're going to serve with me. Yeah, cheers. And I was telling, wow, I've got a platinum. Okay, I know what I'm saying. And that didn't go down well. And later I learned that you know, had I been a little bit more accommodating to say, you know, let I been a little bit more accommodating to say, you know, actually take the lead. Let him take the lead. And if he feels like, okay, actually this is not working out, what do you think, that's when you can rise and say that's what I said, okay. So I think always be suggestive and be patient with one another. Sometimes whatever you're trying might not work Absolutely.
Speaker 2:And as I came back and retry it, a different way. But I think the communication should always be about suggesting, about bringing in. You know, that's what I'm thinking. How do you see it? Yeah, do you think we can do it a little bit better? And if it's not landing at the time, give it time, like, let it rest. You know, sometimes we want, you know, women, we want things now, like I'm a brother, a brother, I showed you, let's do this, yeah, yeah, maybe in three years' time you'll get it. Yeah, oh, remember that one time. Yes, I mean, you know, just relax right now, really yeah, I get you.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you're a better human than I am.
Speaker 2:I would have been like damn not tell you, you know. So I feel like it's great that a lot of things just has to do with being graceful and understanding that we are not at the same place, Absolutely.
Speaker 1:We will never be.
Speaker 2:Even in a marriage, we're not always aligned. Some of us, the other one, we are 20%, the other is 80. Yeah, it's because you were 60 and he's at 40. It's different. It just wants grace and understanding. You know, my sister was telling me something so beautiful the other day to say you know, we take for granted sometimes things that are important to the other because they're not important to me.
Speaker 2:Leaving shoes around, leaving shoes lying around now you make it a big deal. The other partner makes it big. Look why it's just shoes. It's a big deal for him. So how do you try and understand? Oh, my God, this is an actual thing for him. How do I adjust myself to accommodate him? So I feel like those things just take a lot of software. It takes a lot of suggestion and partnering. Partnering is collaboration. You, it takes a lot of suggestion and partnering. Partnering is collaboration. Yes, you have to. There's no one who has the memo, but you have to be willing to lose as well. Sometimes you're going to lose. Guys. Your ideas are not always going to fly, your way is not always going to go, but that's okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that is pretty much the conversation. I think it matters how we approach our relationship. First of all, the health that we have with social media. Our social media and our health with social media is very important. But number two, you must understand that marriage is a God thing. It is not a bully thing, it is not an inspirational thing, it's not a gutty thing. It's a God thing.
Speaker 1:So if you want it to be like anything, you need to take it to the person who created it for it to become what you desire. And you're also not going to get everything that you get, because even you as a person are flawed. Yeah, you actually don't know what you need. You really don't. You think you want the flowers, but what you actually need is something totally different and someone who is there to support you emotionally, because some people get the flowers and complete emotional abandonment. So it's to take what you see with a pinch of salt but, more than anything, learn how to cultivate the God kind of marriage that you need.
Speaker 1:Stop putting pressure on your spouse to be someone that they're not. Stop putting pressure on yourself to be someone that they're not. Yes, stop putting pressure on yourself to be someone that you're not um and have a healthy relationship with social media. But if you can't handle it, it's okay, deactivate. Take a page out of her book. You gotta be and deactivate and it's okay. I promise you you won't miss out on anything I've also deactivated for 10 years.
Speaker 2:At some point it was many years and then I think I went on instagram.
Speaker 1:You tried and then you're like but you, but you did it, you did it also, you tried to do it for for like ministry, just to try and get certain content out there.
Speaker 2:But but I think the lord will make it fine for you I think also I don't like to clutter. Got a lot of things going on right now.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I feel like if I had the capacity, I probably would, but I think I would have somebody else help me do that, so that I don't spend a lot of my time there, because I know my weaknesses and you should know what your weaknesses are. If you struggle with anxiety, struggle with depression, I would not suggest that you spend a lot of time there. Struggle with self-esteem. Yes, struggle with self-esteem. Struggle with anxiety, depression. Run for your life, my sister. You're not missing out on anything, honestly, unless you're running a business or anything of that sort. You'd want to. You know, you can ask for someone else to run it for you, which would be great, but definitely not for your marriage. It can be inspired, but also tiny.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just a little bit, just a little bit.
Speaker 2:You don't know the contents of what happened in the day in their life. How did they meet? Probably life is made of all the pretty pictures of beautiful, but I do think it's important to cultivate your own thing and get the God inspiration. I understand that's his desire for your life, your purpose, your ministry that you can only get from God and not be that separately with your husband. It has nothing to do with everybody else.
Speaker 1:And trust God enough that it will be beautiful without you having to take snippets from other people's lives. Yes, trust him, oh God enough that it will be beautiful without you having to take snippets from other people's lives.
Speaker 1:Trust him oh, I love it. Trust him, that is it from us. Thank you so much, my friend. What a time, what a time, what a day. I know we still got to continue this information offline. Yeah, and we have some flowers for my rose beautiful, I love these and they're matching. Look at me. Thank you so much. Thank you, my friend, I love you so much and, yeah, I can't wait to see you again on the next one. Thank you so much for tuning in, guys bye.
Speaker 2:What a surprise thank you, my friend oh, this is so nice. Wow, that went by so quickly.