REFINE

Your marriage bed doesn't have to be a battlefield.

• Buli Makhubo • Season 1 • Episode 4

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Movies portray an idealized version of marriage where the honeymoon phase never ends, but real intimacy often includes unexpected challenges that couples aren't prepared to discuss openly.

• Sexual compatibility isn't automatic but requires active cultivation through communication and effort
• Understanding each other's desires and expectations is fundamental to building a healthy sex life
• Knowledge about hormonal cycles helps couples navigate libido differences without taking them personally
• Emotional connection plays a crucial role in physical intimacy, especially for women
• Supplements and medical advice can help address libido issues when appropriate
• Difficult seasons like grief or stress require patience, grace, and ongoing communication
• Sex isn't a reward but a necessity in marriage that requires mutual service and understanding

Email questions to letsconnect.refine@gmail.com if you're shy about commenting below. We don't promise perfection, just authenticity and the boldness to discuss what others might avoid.


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Speaker 1:

Movies paint a picture of what this ideal marriage should look like. Everything is seamless, it's easy, honeymoon phase never seems to end, and then you get married, especially as a Christian. And then you get the shock of your life when you realize how this conversation or topic of intimacy is actually not what we think it is. There are more bumps in the road than we expected and because everybody's shy, nobody wants to talk about it, you think that the issue is unique to you, actually not what we think it is. There are more bumps in the road than we expected and because everybody's shy, nobody wants to talk about it, you think that the issue is unique to you, but we're here to talk about the fact that no, it's not. It is normal. So today I have my husband and my friend to discuss and unpack this topic. Before I get into anything, let's just welcome him, hey sugar, hi um, hi everyone.

Speaker 2:

I'm glad to be here yeah name is Kevin makubo. Um, who am I? I'm husband to you and and, uh, son of God that's it, that's it, that's it.

Speaker 1:

What else?

Speaker 2:

and also I'm in the medical field, so there's also a bit of medical information that I'll put in there and there so that you know it's not just far-fetched, but it's what I'm exposed to. So, yeah, I'm glad to be here and thank you and your dad for inviting me oh yes, I'm a father of two. Please don't show this to my kids.

Speaker 1:

Out here for getting a kiss.

Speaker 2:

I'm a brother to a daughter and a son. Very beautiful, literally beautiful.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I love them. They're so blessed. So just a disclaimer we are not men's clinic. We're not men's clinic. Go to your gyne, go to your doctor, go to your therapist. We're just here to make everybody breathe or and like or exhale a sigh of relief to say, oh, it's just not us maybe. Maybe some people think that they married wrong because of some of the challenges they might have faced along the way. So we are here to just give you a bit of a break, a bit of a breather.

Speaker 1:

And I think also the reason why he is here is because about two years ago the Lord led me to host an event I think the first one I'd actually ever hosted called Intimacy Research, and he took me on this journey as to why intimacy research and why it matters to us as children of God and basically taking back.

Speaker 1:

You know, sex as a beautiful thing and as a God thing, as a God ordained thing, you know, and God's ideal for it, because it's not meant to be like, oh, hush, hush. You know a church, people are hardly speaking about it, but in the world, people are telling you 500 things on what they feel needs to be done. So that is why we're here, like I said, not experts, but we're just sharing. And because he has, you know, some knowledge, knowledge medically, and I just have the word of god and we both have wisdom and we are brave, we were like, okay, we'll break the ice for you guys, we'll break the ice for you guys. So grab your husband, grab your wife, grab your friends, grab whoever. Um, it's giving pg-13, right you?

Speaker 2:

said yeah.

Speaker 1:

So if you're not of age, maybe skip this one.

Speaker 1:

Maybe, yeah, maybe skip this one, but the time will maybe skip this one, but the time will come for you to engage, so let's just jump straight into it. Are you ready? Let's go, let's do this. The first thing I want us to talk about is the issue of sexual compatibility. Right, some people feel like they're not compatible when it comes to sex, because in some cases I don't know how much people are doing it these days, but I mean, maybe five years ago there was more of that thing of we're waiting, we're honoring God until we get married. And then you get married and you think it's going to be fireworks, and then you're like this is different this is weird.

Speaker 1:

And or you get people who even while dating, you know, yes, they have sex, whatever. Then they get married and they're like, but what has changed, what is different? And then they assume that you married wrong because they just feel like they're not sexually compatible. But sexual compatibility is not something, it's not a magic wand, right? I believe it's something that can be cultivated. So perhaps unpack that for us.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think for me's when you said compatible. It means your desires, all right. It means your expectations, okay when it comes to sex. It means what makes you to reach to a certain point, what it makes you to feel fulfilled, what makes you to feel emotionally connected to this person. You take your desire and you mesh it with your next person. And for me, just to make it simple, compatibility it's mostly, uh, when you apply effort, and you apply effort, and not only looking to yourself, but also looking into your partner and saying what is it that makes you happy and what makes you happy, am I able to fulfill it? And it also speaks of communication in terms of compatibility. So, just to summarize, it's just your desires, what you do expect, and how does it look like when both parties are coming together, and that will require an effort to reach to that level.

Speaker 1:

I like that. You said it's what happens when you assume that someone is not sexually compatible with you is because they feel like they didn't serve me in this way. But really it's not only about you but how you guys are able to meet one another's needs, and I think that's something that people need to realize. Maybe you're sitting there in your corner like we're not sexually compatible because you're only thinking of self yeah Whereas sex isn't really about self. That's true. When you get out of yourself and it becomes service to one another, you may actually find that hey, hey, hey, hey. So what happens if it doesn't work the first time around? I think I wanted to get just a little bit in depth. How do we cultivate it? You said communicate. So what are? Get just a little bit in depth. How do we cultivate it? You said communicate. So what are we supposed to say when we communicate? How do I approach it? Because people are sensitive, Like, imagine you're, like I'm another round minus 10. How do you cultivate?

Speaker 1:

that compatibility and that openness to really speak about what you'd like.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, compatibility and that openness to really speak about what you'd like. Yeah, I think, just to make it easier for everyone, there's a high chance that you will not be compatible to someone that you love, all right, someone that you're married to, because people they think love is more than enough to make you compatible. Okay, but it's not enough. You need really transparency. Hence that's why I always ask and wonder when you married, what are you guys talking about? I'm not saying, yes, let's do sex before marriage, but those are the conversations that you need to have with that person and say what makes you actually to get to that point and also to be honest to yourself, not to be far-fetched and want things that are very not reachable for that person. So, honesty number one to yourself as well as well, and saying, actually, I actually don't like you when you touch me on the neck. Maybe I like you when you touch me on my hip, on my bum, pg-13 and people like that also not only that, but also trialing and also revisit, because seasons are different.

Speaker 2:

That's good. And also I'm speaking of ladies as well, I'm speaking of also husbands as well, because there's a season where you are busy, you are tired, you are stressed. It changes. So a constant effort that for me, it's the main highlight an effort in leaving your island and saying I'm going to speak to my partner so that we can be compatible. And that's why my opening statement was like you will not be compatible and it doesn't mean that hey, you're married wrong, I'm married wrong, I'm married to this uh, not so exciting sex life. It's not about that, it's about just being open. That's the beauty about having this in marriage, because now you slip down everything else that we wouldn't have done if you guys were dating, but it's easier in your marriage because it's your friend. As you introduced me, we are friends.

Speaker 1:

Hopefully other couples are also friends. I mean, we hope so, but then how do you deal with it? I feel like sometimes there can be a gap, right, I think. I don't know. I think it might be easier at times where you find maybe that maybe nobody has experience, or both of them have some sort of experience, but sometimes you find the imbalance where you'll get the one partner who's like 50 shades I don't, yeah, stop 50 shades. On the other side it's like I know absolutely nothing about nothing. I don't even know anything about myself. How do you bring those two people together?

Speaker 1:

because this person, the person who might not have quote unquote experience, might feel like you're trying to make me someone who was a part of your past that's the thing and then the person who has a lot of experiences like, oh, it's like you're slowing down, like you're not, you're not, you're not meeting me there, so how can we get them to a middle ground, you know, um, and basically to have them both start again, because at the end of the day, that's kind of what it is about. They, they both have to kind of start from scratch yeah, you know true.

Speaker 2:

I think I'll start with the one that has experienced 50 shades of gray and then the one has never actually even seen or touched it.

Speaker 1:

First, Fifty Shades of Grey must repent.

Speaker 2:

Look, man, one way or another. Some of us will find ourselves on the latter side on Fifty Shades of Grey. But whenever you marry someone, you don't marry because you want to compare, and that's the biggest thing. And sometimes, when we compare, we don't voice it out, but we internalize it. And when you internalize it, then your compatibility, it becomes unreachable for you Because you are not honest to yourself. That's what I'm saying. It must start with you being honest. So when you find yourself in that, please Don't be unfair to your partner, don't expect things that he has never learned or never even understood about what you want. And it's the matter of saying whatever has been done in the past, just put it aside. The Bible says forget the things that you've done in the past. This is a new thing that I'm doing, and also that's where you forget it. Yes, you might have a standard, but also it's not a fair standard too as well. Another external influence it's what's happening in the movies, what's happening out there.

Speaker 2:

Yes, you will say I'm not influenced by movies, but one way, or another when you watch something, uh, subconsciously, yeah, you, you register and you have a rubric or a mark and saying I'd love to experience it with my partner, whereas it's just a movie, you don't know that this person has just came from home, they're happy and it's just acting yeah, put it like that, but you don't act in your life. So now you should be fair and saying is it really fair for me to compare my partner to what I'm seeing in the movies? So, just the fairness. Just to summarize, be fair with your partner and also communicate and force the communication because, trust me, from day one, uh, us men I'll speak to myself we don't receive it. Well, because we think, because we think, yeah, we, we, we can go through the way.

Speaker 2:

You see that the video that says just. But the fact of the matter is that most men, they think they know how to do sex. Most men they think because, why they? It's just the society and, and we trust me, for me, in my space, I've never had a conversation where a man will actually admit saying hey, buffet, I'm actually not good when it comes to sex. I, I, I'm bad, but everyone is a expect, everyone is a professor, whereas it's not the truth, sure. So be honest with yourself and force the conversation.

Speaker 2:

Not really force, but be consistent, yeah, in forcing persistence that's the way Persistent in making sure that you're the conversation actually happens, it's true.

Speaker 1:

How do we learn about one another? So how do women learn about their bodies? How do we educate ourselves? Because that's also what we need to do. We need to realize that.

Speaker 1:

Let's be honest, I think sometimes we are too. I don't know, I'll try to find the correct word but as Christian people, we are kind of, ah guys, I don't know why we need to educate ourselves. The Bible itself says that my people perish for lack of knowledge. Right, and I know that it speaks of a broad thing. But even in everything that we get, I don't know why we excuse ourselves from wanting to learn certain things. Right, we have to learn.

Speaker 1:

If you don't know about something, learn. So if I don't know about, first of all, my body, how it's wired, how it's supposed to work, what I'm supposed to experience, I'll be selling myself short. Number one. Number two if I don't learn about my husband's body or understand how he's wired, how it works, we'll be selling ourselves short too. We'll constantly run into times where we're butting heads just because not because of of lack of compatibility, but just lack of education. So how do we educate ourselves safely, within the confines of purity? Because here's the thing. Purity is not just staying away from sex, right, but there's a way in which we're supposed to approach it so that it doesn't defile what God is doing within us. Right, so that we are growing, we're learning, but we're also experiencing this amazing thing, but it's safe. So, for example, we don't have to reach to pornography to try and learn, because even that, in and of itself, it's people who go to sit and they're always trying to find interesting ways on how to show forth this, this thing education so and things like that.

Speaker 1:

So now my issue is you're, you're looking at that as a standard, that that's, that's not how it should be done. Great, you know that. Great, you know that's not great. So how do we educate ourselves in a good way and in a safe way? Yeah Two ways.

Speaker 2:

Active learning and passive learning, all right. Active learning speaks of let's go. You reach out for information, all right. When you reach out for information number one, reach out for information number one. Uh, for me I would say, uh, the book, uh, that we were reading, uh, I don't know the name.

Speaker 1:

If you, remember it, but you can. The art of the act of marriage. I think I've mentioned it, but yeah, the act of marriage so I like that book when you share it.

Speaker 2:

I haven't read it, but I read it through her. Yeah, obviously so. So what happens is that it, they, they break it down absolutely, but they still keep god at the center, absolutely. So now, what I'm trying to say is that you go and reach out in terms of the information as well what, what, what you need to know, and if it happens that it's a season where your wife or your wife has fluctuating hormones that are going up and down, you go and see a gynecologist and go with her, because it helps. I would see some patients whenever they come with their partner and when they discuss this issue. The outcome it's much more better and it's also more favorable for both of them because they are both taking accountability and saying actually, I want to see my wife having a sex drive that is better than mine, so that at least sex will be great. That's the active learning you are actively applying yourself.

Speaker 2:

Ok, passive learning is just look around. We always say listen, look, feel and touch. All right, you look in the morning you can feel that your partner has an erection. Take a moment, don't write a book and do everything else. You see that he's wired like that, he's ready. You go for it, maybe after an argument or after maybe it's been a long day, when he comes and touches you at the back, they hug you at the back. There's a different hug that you receive with your partner. Then you touch that person. You say, oh, oh, actually it's happening.

Speaker 2:

So what I'm trying to say? You become passive, but also you apply yourself, yeah, in being active in those things, so that you know when you learn about your partner. Yeah, the passive part, it's mostly about what you will read off from your partner. That's correct and what your body language will never lie. All right, yes, I understand words, which is quite good, but sometimes you can see the way she's looking at you, the way I was looking at her. I told her my girl, you look sexy today and I said this is great and I was literally applying what I'm about to talk about. I'm like I literally I was not hiding. I said my eyes are looking at you at your thighs and I like that. So that's the beauty about this.

Speaker 1:

So active and passive learning. You're making me forget what I have to say, but I did want to ask, or add. Rather, I think it's also important for men to start to learn about their partner's cycles, because that also plays a huge role.

Speaker 1:

cycles, because that also plays a huge role the, the, the mood, the up to the like, the luteal phase and all the different phases and the good and the bad. No, you know why? It's because I've been. I would sometimes see these like women in luteal phase and they're at their peak. And then you also relate to when you don't want nothing. It's not personal and some men will take it so personal they'll feel offended that she's rejecting me. No, it's just part of the cycle. She experiences this wave of hormones. So be wise, learn about it and catch her at her peak, which would be ovulation, where she's like, yeah, let's get it, let's go where she likes you the most, because the following week she's not gonna like you at all, and that's just how hormones often work. So I think it matters for men to honestly ask their wives when is your cycle, when does it start? And then they get on apps, they get on google and they start to see okay, this is when she's going to be the most.

Speaker 1:

Let me take her out, let me, let me work let me work while it is still day and then, when it's night, you allow the poor girl to rest. Because how many arguments would you be stopping if you just understood that it's not about you and it's not personal?

Speaker 2:

that's true. I think also it's it's this is a a free scope to men what happens in a lady's body. It's because now we're still wired in biologics that your body wants to fertilize. All right. So now your inclination of sex is higher, the libido is higher two days before. That's when you know that is ovulation. So just look at flow and see, even if maybe you can't trace and find out.

Speaker 2:

But if you really do want good sex and if you've been tired of saying not yet I have taken whatnot, go through that flow app they do have that flow app and say baby, I want to be part of your journey in this menstruation, but you know when, what you want, which is simple, all right, so you're not hiding this. So go through and saying, actually, in the next two days it's going to be easier for me to have sex with this person. Then when you're touched, one stroke, yeah. It says let's go. Yeah, take all it's yours. And you don't have to work as hard as you do, because it's just three seasons and you make the most out of those seasons.

Speaker 1:

That's just what I wanted to add wisdom, wisdom you must use, you must think, you must think. That's what my nephew would say. You must think, you must think.

Speaker 1:

But going into understanding the body, um, let's a role or one of the hormones that plays. Is it a hormone that plays a huge role? Is libido, is that a hormone? Yeah, and libido plays a huge role in how both men and women have libido, right? Yeah, you'll correct me if I'm wrong, but sometimes you guys are just more inclined to like it's always working all the time. And for women, you'll find good to their seasons where it shifts, where it might be high.

Speaker 1:

So, for example, we could have, or I could have had, a higher libido pre-baby, but post-baby it went down. Or when I took the wrong contraceptives, because that also works, or that also happens, it messes up your libido in totality. So how do we find ourselves being aware that, again, it's not personal, but looking at the different ways, this is why we say a good and a healthy sex life is cultivated. It's not magic. You don't have to sit and say, oh, just because they do 50 shades of gray every day, then we suck, we married wrong, but it's just because nobody's applying themselves. So sometimes, men usually sometimes have a higher libido, not all the time. Sometimes it differs um, and then women go through so much where their libido is low, it dips, it goes high. Some people are so blessed it's high all the time. So how do we, number one, find the the um a balance? And also, where do we go if we find our libido is dipping, for both men and women?

Speaker 2:

yeah, I think you've mentioned something libido, it's an outcome of hormones that are expressing itself, okay, through you. Okay, I'll take an ease and a simple hormone oestrogen it's what gives ladies their character, what makes you a lady, right? So when that is actually more balanced, there's a level. I don't want to go into technicality. So whenever the hormones are not in balance or not balancing, maybe you'd find out that oestrogen is a bit low. So now, in terms of we call it an affinity for you to want to have sex, slash, your libido is a bit low. So when it's a bit low, so now you know what happened in this time I gave birth, I just gave birth.

Speaker 2:

And also oestrogen, the function of it. One of the function is for you to release another egg. So now you've just fallen pregnant. Now the body is not in a season of you having another baby. That's why the hormone is low. That's why the sex drive is also low. So understanding that is that you're dealing with someone that is, I would say, that is being told by the hormones how you should feel.

Speaker 1:

I see.

Speaker 2:

And they don't have control. Most of the time they don't have control. I'd say most of the time. Yeah, most of the time I'll quantify that. Don't have control. I'd say most of the time. Yeah, I'll quantify that. Number two, also from the man side, the testosterone. It's actually higher in the morning and it's also a bit higher towards the day and in the middle of the night. In the middle of the night. How is that? Is because whenever our brain is relaxed, okay, whenever we're not stressed, whenever we do not have a lot to do, then that hormone gradually goes up and higher and higher.

Speaker 2:

Then our libido is high okay so now what I'm trying to say. There's a, an underlining factor that leads you to have a libido that is low, that is high yeah you have control.

Speaker 2:

I said you partly have control over sometimes. Now what you've realized and I also speak about the tablets of libido is that when the season has happened, that you can see that actually I've been trying to have sex yes, the child has grown six months now but I don't feel like it. Apply yourself and also say what can I take in this? And someone will say but you don't need tablets, let's see if you love your partner.

Speaker 1:

Look it's, but you don't need tablets. If you love your partner, look it will happen.

Speaker 2:

It's not about love, you can tell your person, oh and look at her. But the desire to have sex, it's nothing but for us. When you touch me and you touch me somewhere else, I'm ready to go, so just apply yourself in that.

Speaker 1:

So supplements, so one of the ways you do, applying yourself, just this research, right? There are different ways. Touch and go, applying yourself, just this research, right, there are different ways. Touch and go, but go to places like your disc chem, your wellness warehouse. Again, more than anything I would say first do your due diligence, go to a doctor, see a gyne, see the people that will actually help you. But if you're someone who's just like, let me just try, and your body does take certain vitamins or supplements, well then try the libido subs, because they also have for men. Yeah, they do have libido subs for men. They have libido subs for women. Start there. If it doesn't work there, then you can maybe you know, take it a step further.

Speaker 1:

But again, more than anything, it's about not just sitting in dissatisfaction the whole time. It's about making the effort to meet one another halfway.

Speaker 2:

Just a story to share, is that? So yeah, the libido tablets. I, I'm a recipient of the effect on that one. One day I'm coming from work. The norm is when I come from work all right, I parked the car in the garage, that's the story time. So now she's been taking the libido tablets, all right. So now you can tell in their eyes that she's actually burning. I didn't leave the garage. It happened, says look, don't leave, we'll prepare, do everything as the kids are here, the helper is there, but right now, right here, it's me and you and we need to deal with these things. I was shocked, like the whole time, I was like this because it is happening, what happened?

Speaker 2:

but in the back of my mind, I'm like god, thank you for these tablets number one, thank you for her in taking initiative and taking those tablets, because it means a lot for me to hear and see that you have something that you didn't choose to feel, but you can choose to change it because of the betterment of what it will bring.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Goes back to the same point the compatibility. Yeah, it takes effort.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely More than anything, not only the the physical act, but there is a huge connection towards the emotional, um dare I say, intimacy that you must have as couples I think sometimes this is where men might um not be aware or forget or something along those lines.

Speaker 1:

I'll just say away, they might not be aware that there is also, for women, a little bit of an emotional intimacy that we need to cultivate, because it's not only just physical. So how do we get to a point where we are cultivating a healthy sexual, emotional relationship as well? Because sometimes it may feel like you know, you're just here, you put your money in the ATM and you withdraw what you want, but then there's a huge neglect, there's a huge. You know, sometimes people might not be talking to one another. Well, there's no proper communication, just about the day-to-day. There's no cultivating the intimacy and the connection, and then they wonder why my wife doesn't respond, and then it's just this huge back and forth. How important is the emotional part of it as well?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's very important, but I want to speak of role of sex in the relationship. Okay, relationship, me and you, right, okay, it's not a reward, absolutely, it is not here. Well done, I mean faithful and faithful Seventy-three, that's okay. It's not about that, it's a, it's a necessity, it, it's needed, all right. So, but once that is needed, you need to think about how can she come to a party. It answers your question understanding your person. You like, uh, communication, hey, I've arrived. Uh, just the thoughtfulness. Just to make it simple, the thoughtfulness, all right. So, understand your partner. What is it that makes you feel loved? Okay, simple as this. What is it that makes you feel loved when I'm at home, when I'm away from home, when I'm on my way, right, one thing I would speak of for me is I'm on my way, I've arrived at work, also thinking about you during the day and calling you, which is something that I still need to do a lot, all right, but where?

Speaker 2:

I'm used to in with dating, but then hey, yeah, man, we try, we try so to check on her at work and saying, hey, how are you? I'm just thinking about you. What are you doing? You are depositing the emotional love and support because we are not wired the same. For us I don't need to be checked on how was my day and what else for me to want to have sex with you, all I need to do is look at you, look at your thighs. I'm done, that's it. Everything else will come into place, but for them it's more of a cultivation.

Speaker 2:

So, hence, that's why I'm saying it's not a reward, but you help each other to reach to the place where it's easier for you guys to have an engagement of sex, while someone will say but that's unfair. That's how it is, it's going to be unfair. I'm thinking of the scripture that I've been reading this past two weeks when, when, when, christ said or when, when, when, the lord said love your, your wife as christ loves the church and the church is they've done so many unfair things.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely they. They did the most, but they received something that they don't deserve. And that's number one, our mandate. And when you make peace about it, that it will not be fair, whether you like it or not, whether you want to say, look, also buy me shoes, also buy me that. We are not wired the same. You can even see how we're wired. It's easier for us to get to that level, but for them it's not easy. All right. So you need to come out of your shell and saying I want this compatibility, I want this fire sex life. How do I get to that? And it goes back to you. What is it that makes you feel loved? By the time, in figure, I just come and said, oh, throw it at me, I'm ready to receive it.

Speaker 1:

So yeah, Last one before we wrap up how do we deal with? There are seasons where we experience like um, or seasons of high pressure, high emotions, like grief. We've experienced that before when, when one goes through grief, um, I don't know, we wire differently. Like I say, it's not copy and paste, but I do want to normalize when certain people do feel a certain way.

Speaker 1:

So when people are grieving, sometimes they might not feel you know, um, like that, and then the would be like oh, it's been two weeks now, come on, let's get on with it. Or seasons of high stress, or maybe high pressure at work that will make one not feel so great, or sometimes even the conflict between one another. Certain arguments may span and run over the course of time. So how do we navigate those seasons of high pressure without making the next person or the person experiencing feel more pressure? Number one, and also doesn't make you seem like a selfish person who doesn't understand. How do we navigate that? Also, how do we communicate it effectively? You know?

Speaker 2:

I think the best time to do that it's before the event comes, so that we're both at our right mind and emotions. But what if it happens?

Speaker 1:

You know, death catches you by surprise before you think that it's not every day. You know how we've sat like once when when we when I was pregnant with zuko and we sat once at a table and we discussed like everything we could possibly discuss. But things we didn't factor in are things like what happens when someone passes away or things like that, or they, we lose it, you lose a job, and there's just high, it's just a high stress environment, because that can also sometimes mess things up. So how do they navigate?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think the reason why I wanted to start from there is because it's much more harder for you to come and discuss this while it's happening, because it feels unfair.

Speaker 2:

But if we've already spoken about this, like even now, after watching this and just to have a conversation with your partner and saying what happens when the season on the time is not favorable for us to have sex remember I mentioned sex. It's needed, okay, in a relationship, and sex is. It also helps in terms of making you feel closer, making you to feel in love and also the emotional connection that will help you through your season. For instance, grief as well, but understanding you as a lady, I need you to tell me and saying look, yes, around, this time I don't feel great. And I'm not saying, when you tell me, I'm going to hold you accountable towards it, because weeks are different.

Speaker 2:

Sometimes you do feel like, okay, I'm actually, I've healed, I'm okay, but next week it comes back again yeah but also it becomes unfair and what we don't say is we will not speak of our frustrations, and without frustration we have to deal with it. That's why it goes back to my point. It is unfair and it's not going to be fair and you just need to make peace about it. But my partner is going through grief, but you don't want some bumps during that time. But also understanding the partner as well is that don't run off on that tangent and say, nah, I'm okay, maybe I'll see him after a month or two. He's still starving. He needs is what, what belongs to him. So, in a nutshell, just try to communicate it, but also read and understand your person. I don't know if maybe it will make sense I guess.

Speaker 1:

So I guess it's also a touchy one, because, as much as it is, and you're correct to say, and I do agree now, seven years in that, yeah, no, sex actually is important, it's not the cornerstone, but it's part of the foundation, of pillars when it comes to actually the health of the overall marriage. And sometimes you'll find that you that you're arguing, no, you just need a round or two, you will be okay, I promise you, it's not as big as this just puts things into perspective, right. So I do understand that. But I I also feel like, um, there are going to be seasons where you'll find that it will span over two to three weeks and you're sitting there impatiently, not waiting and being patient for your partner. I think it matters to really, I think there must be a meeting halfway. Sometimes even some person must just, you know yield and say you know what.

Speaker 1:

I'll be fine, and it's not no, and not only me yielding because I'm heartbroken, but sometimes, for example, even the man saying you know what I'm willing to sacrifice this time. Let my wife go through what she goes through, however long it takes, I'm still here. That's the muscle that you strengthen when you wait before marriage, because it's like if you waited all these years Self-control, I understand it's a bit different now that you keep eating of the fruit, but just that, and maybe that's why you must fast. That's why you must fast, so that you, you exercise the muscle of self-control. I think there's there's quite a bit that we've said and, more than anything, we've started the conversation and this portion of refine is going to be something, by the grace of god, that we continue, either with my husband, um, or other professionals in the industry that can really take us through this thing in a very healthy way and we build, build our intimacy between couples, our intimacy lives really beautifully.

Speaker 1:

We want to take back what God already gave us in the first place and what the world decided to do and mess up. We don't want that.

Speaker 2:

We want it.

Speaker 1:

We want to take back that power, that beauty, that glory that sex was always intended for. So if you do have any questions, pop them down in the comment section below. Alternatively, you can um email. Let's connect dot refine at gmailcom. I'll put that in the comment section below if you're a little bit too shy, and some of the things we will raise and talk about again. We are not perfect, you know we don't owe you perfection.

Speaker 1:

All we do is we owe you authenticity and the boldness to talk about some things that you guys might be afraid to talk about in your everyday life. So thank you so much for joining us. Thank you, Mero.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, thank you, love you.

Speaker 1:

See you guys, bye, bye.