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REFINE
This is where we draw the line between Sunday knowledge and we live the word and principles of God practically, in every aspect of our life. Christ didn't save us to make us feel good, instead we are called to freedom, victory & abundance. On this podcast we are discipled, cultivated, challenged, refined and fruitful in every aspect of our lives! Goodbye passive Christianity, Hello to fruitful living! Welcome to a life REFINED
REFINE
Double Dates & Separation: Navigating Couple Friendships
When was the last time you thought about the complex dance of couple friendships? Those relationships that form when marriages intertwine, creating communities that laugh together, pray together, and sometimes even weather the storm when one marriage doesn't survive.
In this raw, honest conversation, we dive deep into the beautiful mess of couple friendships – exploring everything from the strength these relationships bring during our lowest moments to the uncomfortable reality of comparison that can poison even the closest bonds. As one guest powerfully shares, "When me and mine are at our lowest point, we have a community that carries us where we are weak." But what happens when that same community faces the test of a marriage ending?
We tackle the delicate dance of boundaries – knowing when to step in and when to step back, understanding that "how you iron cotton is not how you iron linen." Each friendship requires its own care and consideration. From navigating late-night texts to another's spouse to deciding how much of your marriage struggles to share, we offer practical wisdom for maintaining healthy connections without crossing lines.
Most powerfully, we confront the reality of supporting friends through separation and divorce. As one participant vulnerably shares from personal experience, "I am Lebu before I am the wife" – a profound reminder that true friendship recognizes the person beyond their marital status. You'll hear first-hand accounts of how presence matters more than perfect words during these transitions, and how true community shows up not with judgment but with practical support and unconditional love.
Whether you're building your couple friendship circle or navigating the changing dynamics when relationships shift, this conversation offers both comfort and challenge. Join us as we explore why, despite all the complexities, creating community around our marriages remains a risk worth taking.
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Watch the Podcast here: https://youtube.com/@bulimakhubo?si=Whq1AiPP_Big4hyr
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what's up everybody? Welcome back to another episode of refine. Super excited to be here because you know we're bringing you real conversations that matter for everyday lives. So today I have someone who is no stranger, of course, to my platform, of course, and I know you guys know her. Yeah, hi, I'm back. So I was not to do the introduction. Yeah, because I feel like people know you, but I want to do an introduction today. Yeah, because when we're shooting this today, something different happened. Yeah, right, in your space, in your ministry, in your whatever. So, for those who may not know, this is Lady Lafag, but I would like for her to introduce herself again. Again, you might hear something different again.
Speaker 2:Well, this is lady love bug one. As many of you guys may know me, I'm super excited and, like b said, something cool happened today. I unveiled. Everybody knows that I have a community platform, social platform, called married girls club. Yeah, but today we have unveiled and we have transitioned to it now being called for every, for every hair that is so fun.
Speaker 1:That is so fun, that is great. That is such a huge step. So I can't wait for you guys to explore all that, um, this new, bigger circle has to offer. Yeah, um, yeah. So let's get it, let's get straight into it. Today we're going to be talking about something that we, we really don't talk about. You know, you know, I'm gonna meet you, yeah, I'm gonna meet you at your front door. Um, we're speaking about couple friendships, right right, the good, the not so great, and also how to be there when one couple sadly, doesn't, you know, continue their journey. And the reality is, then you ask yourself as a friend, and maybe you might be in that situation where you see if one family not being able to fight through it and make it, but then what happens to the dynamic of this community that you guys have built? So I think that's really important.
Speaker 1:And we're going to chop up today, so let's get straight into it.
Speaker 2:I love that you're having this conversation, because these are real conversations that we don't think we ever need until something happens. Until something happens, yeah. And then you're like uh-oh.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what happens now? What do we do? But before that, what happens now? I want us to talk about the benefit now. I think it's very important for us to to know that you're no, you're nobody's forced to have a, a couple, friendship if you're married or whatever. You're not forced to never. But for those people who, who they are wired like that and are happy to have community and this is for them, so that they know how to navigate right we I always say the, the videos that we have or the, the conversation that we have, don't have to appease everyone, but even if it's for the one, that's what matters. So, um, there are people who get into marriages and they, they, they are more than welcome to do life however they feel like doing life, yeah, but some of us love to do our life together and then we also love to do it in community. I have found that there's so much great benefit when it comes to community.
Speaker 2:So let's talk about the good parts. Community multiplies strength oh, I'm so big on strength being multiplied. Strength oh, I'm so big on strength being multiplied. Yeah, because one thing about community is when me and mine at that point are at our lowest, it could be in them, could be a mental breakdown. It could be an emotional breakdown, spiritual breakdown. We have a community that will carry us where we are weak. It's like the two do that for each other, but there's a time where the union is weak itself and you need the community to do that for you.
Speaker 1:I've loved how, for me personally, I've seen community step up. So we have friends. You know, my husband has his friends and I've had my friends and in a very organic and beautiful way we've been able to create this community where everybody gets along. So it's not forced, but I have seen moments. The reason why it matters for me is because those I'll say it from my experience those men that my husband calls friends if my husband is not around, those men become the protector for me. They feed me. I remember when I was pregnant, the one time one gentleman, one friend, took me to my final gynae appointment. He stayed in the car, he slept and he waited for me because I couldn't drive. I was like knocking, you know, got her to give birth and I think that's amazing. Because my husband had to work, he couldn't be there.
Speaker 1:But you have people that you can call and they can be there for your family yeah I've had instances, even now, when, when a friend is around our neighborhood, he calls can I pick up the kid, sure, so I think that's an amazing thing, right? I think it's great for not only presence, but also for sharpening yeah, um and and just overall growth and standing in when there's conflict.
Speaker 2:Oh, love it, Kesana, they love it so much.
Speaker 1:I think because we're friends, we're able to be in each other's business. But the beautiful part about it, when you have sober friends, they're able to come into your not-so-great places and call your partner to order, and we've experienced that before.
Speaker 2:Oh, we have. I mean, there was a point where everybody's like I am driving there and he's going to hear me. You know, it's not nice, it's uncomfortable, because it's like you letting people into a private space in the four walls of your home. But sometimes there are blind spots. There are blind spots that either of you have and you need this very community to say but do you see, I left. This is what maybe you're not getting right and we need that. We need we. We need that strength I'm saying it multiplies that strength that I'm able not to get out of my home and feel like I've done wrong and I don't know how I'm gonna mend whatever's happening in my marriage.
Speaker 2:And then I have you and your husband driving to me and say, but okay, how can we sort it out? I think there was a point where you and Kev drove to my place, yeah, and you sat us down and you're like guys, what is the business? What's going on? And it was, it was late, yeah, it was late, it was late and but and we live two walls apart, like in terms of distance, we're like walls apart. But at that point it wasn't about distance, it was about the covenant, it was what mattered. It wasn't about. It was about what matters, which is the covenant, and this is why I say community multiplies strain.
Speaker 1:I love that. I think when you find the right people because we'll get into the wrong people, but when you find the right people, they really not only get into your business but help you guys.
Speaker 1:I think that's something that we don't understand. Social media has played a role where, um, sometimes we just have friends because it looks good, yeah, but then when things fall apart, you don't know how to manage that. We're not truly truly cultivating healthy relationships and healthy spaces. Are couples forced to Do you feel like they need, in your opinion, your thoughts?
Speaker 2:Hey, I know everybody's so liberal lately. Everybody's like you can get married and have. You don't need couple friends and have your single friends. I do agree, I'm not saying you can't but having a community that understands your struggle is so good because the seasons change and it's going to change around the circle. So when you go through something you're not shocked by it, you're not scared. It's not gossip, it's real life. So I think you need a community. Marriage-friendly friends are great. Whatever phase you're in in your life, you need that community. Like, if you're a single mom, a single mom community is beneficial for you because they understand when you can't fit your child at school, when you're not getting this, and they understand they're not going to judge you for your mishaps. They're going to be like okay, no, I get you, I've been there. So for whichever phase or season you're in, a community for that stage in your life is necessary.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about, then, the not so great parts, or the blind spots that can actually happen when you find yourself in community, because there are that right, we're dealing with humans. Yeah, we are dealing with humans. There's a lot of those. We live in a flesh. Yeah, they have their mind and they make bad decisions at times, and as much as they are perks, they are also not so great advantages. There are disadvantages to it, especially when you meet people whose hearts are not in the right place. Yeah, so let's discuss some of the the cons, okay, if we're being honest, of couple friendships, and I think one of the cons that pop up to mind is comparison.
Speaker 1:The reality is when you do have couple friends. Let's be honest sometimes comparison locks in.
Speaker 2:Oh yes, have you seen them? Have you seen Boolean Kev? Have you seen what they've achieved? Rona Risa, yay, we, we're still here. Look at where they are.
Speaker 2:Definitely it's it. It's human, it's human, it's flesh. It happens and but I don't know, I can't say you. You have to fight against it. You need to. You need to revisit your heart posture. Why am I here? Because flesh will get to you. It really will. But they just bought a home and they've been married under so many years, we've been married so many years and we haven't. We're still in an apartment, you know, and it makes it all. We get into conversations. I know we've gotten into conversations, we've had our circle, we have our circle.
Speaker 2:Still, you have conversations where people utter things, not because they want to hurt the next couple, but they just utter things carelessly, like, oh, you guys can't still be living here. You must move, man, you must move. Yeah, you know, and Ulewu didn't think about it, but now she gets home she's like actually, why haven't we grown? You know? So stuff like that starts planting seeds, like comparison, which is a big thing, but it's again having to come back to your heart posture. Why are we here? Why these people? And also sticking to your own lane, remembering what our journey is, because not every our journeys are not the same thing and the mandate of god in our in, in our marriages, or it's not the same. Why are you guys here? There's a, you guys have a mandate that god has put you for in the kingdom. Same thing with that couple and that couple and us. So it's coming back to that, but it takes a bit of a while, I guess.
Speaker 1:Do you think someone should leave the friendship? If there's comparison like my husband, my husband, your husband is better, and then I go home and I'm like, but, kev, when I want to leave the friendship, what do we do with those kind of friendships? Do you think then we should? We, because obviously that means no, I shame, and I don't even think that they would do it in tea. Yeah, yeah, they are living their lives. But if I'm the one on the outside looking in and saying I want that, why doesn't that happen in my marriage? That can also cause a rift between the friendship as a whole. Oh yeah, animosity between friends, because that does happen. That you look at how. Maybe remember, like we said, every relationship has strength and weakness. Yes, yeah, and and just is managed different.
Speaker 1:I remember telling a friend of mine that and she would probably know exactly who she is when I mentioned that I'm like dude, what your husband, and not even like in a weird way, there's an instance where she's cooking Sunday lunch for us, right, and she's missing some ingredients. So she's like okay. She's asked her husband I need one, two, five, okay, husband goes and gets one, two, five, yeah, like yo, I forgot the knoss knock, stop pot. And he's like I had tazdaka twice. Yeah, oh, I forgot it. Cool beans. He's back in his last days Taztaka three times.
Speaker 1:I was like my husband would never it's one and done Forgot the beans. We'll eat food without beans. Yeah, that's just how he's wired. Yeah, doesn't like up and down, he just doesn't. So I know how he's wired and it's not a character flaw, it's not going to make or break my relationship, I just know how he's wired. So when I saw that, I'm like it's actually really cool to see something different, like how willing he is. But if I go home and take that information and say you must become that, then it becomes the issue.
Speaker 2:Then it's definitely not the friend, it's you. You're the problem. You now need to check within. Do you understand why we're the problem? Yeah, you now need to check within. Yeah, that am I. Do you understand why we're here? Do you understand why you're there? Do you not even why we're there? Do you understand your husband? Yeah, do you understand the character? Do you understand your character? Because it's so lovely to see different dynamics in relationships and you celebrate them and you go back home and you talk about them and if it's something you want to implement, that's great. If it's a good, yeah, like if it's a good value, yeah, not because, not because you're comparing and you want to be better or you want it the same, no, then you need to check the condition of your heart, yeah. Then that's where the problem becomes, where what is the condition of your heart? Why are you there?
Speaker 2:Because now I'm looking at everything and I'm like there's a story my pastor likes to speak of and I think I'll forever use it and he speaks of this woman. Every Sunday, when she got to church, her husband used to open the door. Every Sunday, every woman would see her husband, and then one day, this lady opens the door for herself. And then everybody's like, oh, they had a fight, oh there's trouble in paradise. Then the ladies at the church went to rush and talked to are you guys okay? Because I mean this is a good couple in church. I mean maybe something's wrong, are you guys okay? And she's like yeah, why? She's like no, we see you open your own door, why? And she's like no, I couldn't open it because it was malfunctioning, it was broken. He's the only one that could open the door for me.
Speaker 1:That is the only reason he was opening the door. I don't know if it's broken.
Speaker 2:So the problem is and I'm coming to that sometimes we see superficial things. Yeah, Things can be very superficial and it's a thing when some couples don't want to show their all, they show you what feels enough to show you guys.
Speaker 1:But are they obliged to? And that's also another thing are they? Are they obliged not?
Speaker 2:obliged to. But if you see everybody in the circle being very vulnerable about things and it's not just one or two more couples are opening up about things, they could keep to themselves and you guys stand back, as maybe you guys are not supposed to be there, I think that's fair. I think maybe you're not supposed to be there. Yeah, because now we're thinking we're all wearing swimsuits and you're swimming with people, guys, oh my love.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't think you are in this not fair.
Speaker 2:It's like instagram. It's like a perfect picture. All your friends see is a perfect picture, but we don't see what took the bts? Yeah, who was trying to get everyone together? Who was trying to remove the fluff on the suit? Who was trying to? We don't see that and it's not fair if you're building true community so, when it comes to boundaries, how do we build healthy boundaries?
Speaker 1:Because, let's be honest, sometimes boundaries can get crossed. So I one thing about me. I'm going to watch me, some Moja Love, I'm going to watch me. And there's a series called I'm With your Ex.
Speaker 1:And sometimes these people who have to go to their friends and say, hey, I'm with you, man, because you didn't like him, you kept complaining about him. You know, and I feel that for myself, that that, honestly speaking, with when the one person was oversharing, they didn't really establish good boundaries within themselves. Yeah, so what are some of the boundaries, um, that that people cross when it comes to couple relationships? That could be like, you know, warning signs. They say, yeah, because I, for me, one of the things that I do, I won't go to another person's home dressed like I'm at my house. Yeah, that's just something within a very typical example.
Speaker 1:I went to an event and we had Pilates at that event. So obviously, you're wearing gym stuff and you know everything is shaped, everything is shaped. You're wearing gym wear, but I'm going to another woman's house and her husband is shaped, everything is shaped. You're in gym way, but I'm going to another woman's house and her husband is there. So when I was outside in the car and these are very good friends, so when I got out the car, just in the driveway I'm putting on this I'm like, oh my God, what's wrong with you?
Speaker 1:Just shut up. No, am I crazy? Because I feel like for me that is a boundary that I don't want to assume and I think the best of you. But I also know that we are in the flesh, so, and one thing I'm not doing is planting the wrong seeds, and not in your household. So true, that's on me, so true, I'm going to take responsibility for what I can. But then there's the conversation what happens when we go on holidays, things like that, and so what are the boundaries that we think that some of us should have?
Speaker 2:firstly, not everything that happens in the bedroom leaves the bedroom okay, yeah we need to respect. There's things that needs need respect. Whether it's a fight, whether it's intimate, whether it's good, whether it's bad, there are things that you have to keep between the especially intimate.
Speaker 2:I ain't trying to know, but I ain't trying to see you like that, like yes some things, and it's also just in respect of your partner, especially as a woman, because when we sit oh my love, you know we can get very candid, but you, we need to then draw back to say, okay, how are they going to see my partner, how are they going to see my spouse? How does he want to be seen? To be seen, that's good.
Speaker 2:You have to think of how he wants to be seen, not even how you want them to see him. We have desires. I want them to see Ms Macho that she does the things in the bedroom, but maybe he doesn't want to be seen as a person. But also why? Why? It's weird what people want, and even with problems. This is why marriage is a tripod it's you, god and your husband, so some things really need to stay in that triangle to keep it sacred. So not every problem leaves, because not everybody can solve it, not everybody has answers to it.
Speaker 2:Uh, we find ourselves getting advice, not that it's malicious, but we find ourselves influenced by a decision somebody made for themselves what they would do if they were in your position. But the truth is they aren't in your position. They don't know. You've just described that, okay, this is what's happening, but the, the feeling of it, the depth of the hurt or the depth of whatever magnitude of the problem, they technically don't know it. It's only until you in somebody's shoes, you may know that, oh, this is what they were. But I can always sit on the other side and listen and say, maybe you should try this unless I've walked the path. But not everybody has, not everybody is going to have walked the path you're struggling with at that point. But that's also coming back to the nature of community, that in your circle you might find somebody who has. But if you haven't, boundaries, I tell you so far. And then I say, buli, can you pray for me?
Speaker 1:Is there a protocol for communication between spouses? Sure, there should be. Okay, what does it look like? What do you think it looks like? Protocol? What do you think it looks like protocol? What do you think it looks like? Let me, let me think about it. I have my take is, I have seen many friends come to me to say hey, I just wanted to call you. I already called your husband just to let him know that I'll be speaking to you and I'm like why and? But I, in hindsight, I'm like oh, that's good, that's that's, that's thoughtful, that's kind, that's that's careful, that's seeing a boundary, that yeah though we are friends.
Speaker 1:I'm honoring this woman as his wife, so I'm going to the right channel of protocol. Yeah, um, and again, it's not something like we're saying this is this is people's lived experience are not doctrine for everybody. Yeah, but if you can take a principle that can sharpen you, then take it. Yeah, right, it matters to not make our personal experiences doctrine, because then that's just weird. Yeah, but where you know that this can benefit you, then maybe use that. So that's how I've seen my husband's friends do that. I think for me it's different. I'm also an open book, so even if I speak directly to partner A, partner B will know.
Speaker 1:Even if I speak to a husband, partner A will know eventually, and they will know verbatim everything that was said, so I think for me, the protocol is honesty and that things that I've said in front of you I can say in front of them. Particularly when there's things like a disagreement and this one's not hearing me out, I'm like, no, I heard them out and I'm encouraging you guys to speak. Oh, what did he say? No, have a conversation, have that conversation and it matters to have that conversation. Those are the boundaries. I also one. That, for me, is I'm not too picky on it, but I also do understand that when it's late and I'm contacting someone else's husband and it's and it is urgent, I'll send you. You don't have to respond, just wanted to let you know. Yeah, and I apologize for or sending a message, but it's.
Speaker 1:It's just one of those things that you're cognizant out behaving to where she's slashing. You know you're not just like she said. She said let's just get jiggy with it. We speak to one another. So those are some of the boundaries that we've put in place, that I know that I don't have a problem as well. If wives call my husband, most of the time they're calling him because they're like my kid is sick.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, yes. What do I need to take? My kid is sick.
Speaker 1:So I'm not bothered by that at all.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So again, those are my experiences and my takes. I do believe there is yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't know. I just I think you said something very important or key ingredient or word to this. You said I, me and my husband, it's very important to know your friends. I know that I can call kev when I yes, I'll give you the heads up. Hey, friend, I'm gonna ask kev sometimes. But even if you forget, even if you forget, yeah, sometimes I'll do it after.
Speaker 2:I say, oh, but I spoke to kev, but with the next friend it might be a total different story. Absolutely, you know it might. With the next friend it might be a total different story. You know, with the next friend it might be like A honey il korata but D, but you need to study, yes, yeah, yes, so it's definitely in knowing the character of your friend, knowing and maybe their husbands as well, don't like being, not everybody is going to be. You see, kev is such a like, oh, such a lovely human where you know you, you can just lay it all down and like, ah, but some husbands are very, they need to be structured, and even the wives right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was saying to a friend of mine I think even if they had to listen he'd know. I was like, oh man, I missed you, man, but I'm like and I wanted to send you that text to say, bro, I miss you so much. Yeah, but I couldn't because I know my friend she's gonna say, uh, you didn't tell me you missed me first. Yes, and it's a small thing, but it's again, it's observing the protocol of things. It's not that I have to say I miss, I just know how she's wired, yeah, I just know how, my friend, you need to know which fabric and you and them, because, again, we also don't know the experiences other couples have gone through.
Speaker 1:Right, there may have been instances, let's be honest. Some couples experience infertility, some others have issues with rebuilding trust, things like that. So it's one of those things where you have to really be honest to say yeah, because they're sense of sensitive space and I'm privy of that. Yeah, I will do my due diligence, so true, to make sure that she is comfortable, even if I have to speak to him, unless it's a surprise party, sorry yeah, oh no, we love.
Speaker 2:Please relax, but it can be a surprise party every month. But my thing is, how you would iron cotton is not how you'd iron linen. So we need to identify who's who. Yeah, who do I have to first and who I can, can I just put the eye on and I just, you know what I mean. So that's, but that's in the learning of each other, that's in the beauty of community. You learn that. Oh, you know there's a couple that leaves at night. You know that's too lazy. And then you have a level. You have a level who doesn't mind one? Oh, those you know you have to prepare a room for.
Speaker 2:And that was us. We were like, always there, like, so you just, it's in learning, and again, it's in learning each other. And if couple communities took the time to learn each other, it would be so good, because then we'd understand yes, we're not the same. We were brought by one thing there's a foundation that brings us that we all share, that is, we're probably going to share the same struggles. Somehow, some way in life. You'd made me 10 years into your marriage. You maybe we don't know who's facing winter and what in what year, who's facing summer and what? Yeah, but somehow it's going to meet us some way. Yeah, but in that, what is your character and where is your heart placed in this community?
Speaker 1:You mentioned there, that was us. So, speaking on the next point, what happens when the one couple, when their dynamic, changes and there is a separation, or whatever the case may be? What happens to the friendship couples group, or, let me say, the friendship as couples, and how can couples better support the partners? I know some dynamics might be a little bit easier. I'll explain why. But other dynamics may be hard Hard, that's true, simply because we were all friends and we don't know how to navigate that space. But how can we be there as couples? What I've seen from my sister she shared openly on the platform is that her couple mates said you can't sit with us. You, finna, take our mans point blank, period. Yeah, that's what they that. That was their behavior, um, and it was just a very painful thing for her because for her she's sitting like all these years yeah and it's like tough crowd.
Speaker 1:How can we and how do we, as couple friends, support? Because I also don't think, and this is someone that I sent to someone close to us who said we, we were friends because we were all married, but we, we are not. Um, marriage is not what the friendship is about. We have built that friendship. Yeah, so we are friends with you. Yeah, regardless now, yeah, you know, and it's just for us to learn how to navigate your current yeah, so how do we do that?
Speaker 2:firstly, I think it's very important. I don't know whoever is transitioning out there and it feels like, oh, I'm alone and it's so normal. Sometimes your friends aren't doing anything. It's just because now you feel like I don't belong there anymore. Maybe it's because I feel unworthy to be in that space. Or if sometimes it's not feeling unworthy, sometimes it brings up a state of grief, it brings whatever up that, oh, I'd be sitting here with my spouse and we'd be laughing at times and it would be like this and things have changed drastically and now it's no longer like that. So it brings up a lot of things. But then, like you said, I am Lebu before I am the wife. Muli got to know Ule, do you understand? Kev got to know Ule. Kev got to know Luyanda. Kev got to know you.
Speaker 2:We are individuals outside of this that even in the community we had now built, everybody started getting to know each and everybody as an individual. Outside we were doing branches and lunches and not even that hospital visits with our kids. Now, because we started getting to know each other outside of this, one thing and if I had to advise any community or friendship group is just keep, keep being there. Sometimes it's not even just say having the world to say um, or having advice, but it's just assurance, assurance that you need me. Do you need me to pick up Ulu Levo today? Do you?
Speaker 2:Because obviously, with the dynamic change between two people, there is many transitions and changes that happen for you, for your child, for so many things. So, where you guys can fill in the gaps for either individuals, fill them, try. You're not going to fill every gap, but try, I know, with with my friends, absolutely nothing changed it. Instead, I felt I felt like, oh, I'm going through something in my life, so let me this or let me isolate. But when I went through my phase of unknowingly knowing myself and where I was at that point, no one in my circle changed. It was like okay, friend, so where do you want, where do you want me to go?
Speaker 1:okay, you can't be here because I remember when you first got married, everyone around you changed. When you got married, even with separation, the hard times yeah, some people were still around. Yeah, that's very, that's just an interesting thing for me. It is having it is a story.
Speaker 2:But yeah, no one changed. Yeah, I got married, everyone changed and then I separate. No one leaves. That's interesting. And what does that tell you about their heart posture?
Speaker 1:for me, for you, for you. That is it, that is a now.
Speaker 2:I had to now come back and actually get out. And it's very important once you, once you leave the point of shame, that's what cripples everything. Shame cripples everything. You can't speak, you can't. But once you leave the point of shame, you start seeing everybody that, oh, they're actually still here and they see me. Okay, they understand. This is what I'm going through, no matter what the result is of whatever's happening. Nobody asked a lot of questions. They knew what was going on. They knew what was happening. But it's like, how can we be there? Do you just want me to? Just, I remember coming to your place and I just laid on the sofa and you and Ayanda just sat there.
Speaker 1:You, even wanted meds at one point. Yes, I do.
Speaker 2:And I wanted meds and I just that's just all I needed. I didn't need, I just needed your presence. I just needed my friends. I looked shady, I looked crusty. No, we laughed after that and we went our separate ways and I felt whole again. And sometimes we don't need, we don't need people to speak a lot. People think they need to say things, they need to counsel, they need to. No, they need to counsel, they need to no, no, sometimes I just need your presence. I need you to just pick up the phone and say hey, is everything called lily? Did you eat? Yeah, no, I ate. Okay, okay, cool. Do you need me to pick up your son? It's not even a language. Language changes, it's mine. Do you need me to pick up my son? Do you need to pick up lulibo? And it's like, yes, okay, cool, right, are you around, friend, I just want to come chill, nothing much, okay, fine, and that's what it is. Community doesn't always need to be counsel, but they just need to be present.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's all we need I think that's what we said to a one to one friend to say dude, tina, you know, honestly speaking, asa is gucci, a team you know, yeah, but what I can do is cook you a mean dinner.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, yeah.
Speaker 1:And cook you a mean dinner. So come through, you know, and we're going to experience this together. Yeah, because we are not just friends because we are married. Yeah, but we are just friends.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that's just what matters. It does become a little bit tricky if now, for example, there's a separation and there is a mutual friend thing, and now you found a spouse and then another found this, and now it's like, oh, why don't we white people this thing? And hi, that would be weird, that would be so weird how they do it. I don't know. There's something in the water that they drink that's how they do it. Yeah, they. They are going to have to come and tell us that there is.
Speaker 2:I don't want to say everybody's loved, but then there is one spouse that is, or the other partners that's still going to stay, the ones that are going to pull out Right now.
Speaker 1:For example, it's easier in certain situations where the one spouse and I'll say easier very respectfully, just the dynamic of everything that has happened they have chosen to cut ties and then we have one person to support, but supporting two people who are still going to go on their journeys and probably find other people and re-managing that.
Speaker 2:That one also try not take sides right, and that one for me is that one, yeah, that one for me not to take sides because if they both become your friends like that's how tight this community became that that dynamic ends up happening where the one person brings another person because now I'm staying, I'm not going, now I'm staying, I'm not going, I'm just gonna bring. I mean, I'm here, but at the end of the day, I think it's about loving each other through all seasons. It's now finding our way around the current situation and the current issues, and that's why it's very important to create a strong bond with individuals outside of the union, that when such transitions happen, you're able to support the individuals, because that's what separation does. It's now no longer a one flesh thing. We're now two people that are trying to figure out do we go, do we stay? Is it worth finding for? Is it not worth finding for?
Speaker 1:and you, as friends, have to find a way of supporting that supporting yeah, you guys through your journey, yeah, I think one thing that, for me, definitely, before we wrap or as we wrap, that I've just made it a point to say I'm just there as a friend. I'm not there to tell you whether to go left or right. You tell me which way you're going and I will stand with you. Right, yeah, unless the Lord tells me to say thus said the Lord. But apart from that, you're human beings. Decisions can't force you. Even if it may be God's will, you still decide whether you want to be, be in it.
Speaker 1:But I think for us, what we, what we are learning, is to also cultivate spaces that won't make the next person feel, feel their current situation and what they're going through. So if it used to be date night at at Tang all the time, because Tang is romantic and the lights are dim and everybody at the end of the night is cuddled up holding hands, no, we're not doing that. Let's go and play golf, yeah, yeah, let's go and play golf, and it'll be gents against gents or random, you know, random hats pulled. Or let's go and let's go to Gold Rift City, because we still want to cultivate community without the awkwardness yeah, but it's also the reality is.
Speaker 1:But the reality is that there will be some parts where I would come and say we really did want to do a date night, so we let me going. But I just wanted to let you know that we're going. I know that you wouldn't be comfortable, just give you a heads up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's also just being realistic with your life as the individual to say this is my season, this is where I am, and I can't force certain things. You know, until I'm at a place where I have fully, all-roundedly healed, where I can be like, oh nyanibora, where it doesn't affect me, where it doesn't bring up grief anymore, yeah, um, until god then sees me again with somebody else. But then it then has to be. Your friends also cannot carry everything. You also have to be accepting of where you are and make them understand that I understand and I'm not going to be taking part of that right now. Maybe one day, but not now. So we have to be realistic as a community about the different seasons we're in, and that's what makes the community stick and stay.
Speaker 1:And I think that's about it, my friends. That is another episode that we have. Let me know your thoughts Couple friendships. Again, you know just your thoughts. You're welcome to have your thoughts, your opinions, your experiences and share them in the comments below. Is this something that you believe in the way I believe in, is the hill I'm dying on? Or is this something that you're very cautious about? You know, because when you do have friends like this, you're letting them in your space, you're letting them in your life? Um and and look, it is a risk. As I always say, love is a risk. As I always say, love is a risk, romantic friendship, but it's the hill I'm dying on personally.
Speaker 1:Oh, forever it's always going to be a risk, but I think once it's done right, it's definitely a risk worth taking. So, yeah, let me know your thoughts and comment below on what you experienced or learned throughout the video. Can't wait for the next one. My friend, thank you so much. Thanks for having me on this beautiful platform I love everything.
Speaker 2:Everything feels so new and fresh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, guys. Till next time, bye.